I think it's safe to say that I made out with the entire msu campus this weekend
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
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