You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
