i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
But we have bathrooms and they dont
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Randomize
