I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
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