I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Randomize