If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
it was like eating out sand paper
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Holy shit dude........stairs
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
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