I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Randomize
