I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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