its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
her facebook's as public as her vagina
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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