Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Randomize
