just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
