I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
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