Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
