oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
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