i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
