here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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