If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
