you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
Randomize
