I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
