dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
