I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
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