I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
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