bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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