Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
my nick name has gotton too long over the years..C.T.P.S.G.F.P.G.......cock tease private school groupie frat party groupie.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
