That's when you crack a 10am beer
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
