If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
