You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I will be naked everywhere
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
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