i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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