Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Randomize
