They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
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