Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Randomize
