I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
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