Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
