apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
