There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
if only i could text you this smell
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
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