i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
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