Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
