I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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