Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Randomize
