can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
