was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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