I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Randomize
