So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize