I hope you get the herp and dife. The emd.
Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
