You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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