he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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