I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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