you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
