I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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