So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
