Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Randomize
