I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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