Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
