note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
