I'd wear matching sweaters with you
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize