Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize
