Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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