I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
