I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
