i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
