Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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