Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
