Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
physics? naw man, teacher told us it was casual friday, so i decided to be super casual and not go.
So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
