planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Randomize
